Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Am I Crazy?

I've decided to get counseling. Yes folks, I may be a bit crazy at times so this is probably a good thing. My friend, Sarah, talked me into it, as she says that counseling really helps her. She's definitely not crazy either! I've decided to receive it from Howard Brown Health Center, which is a fantastic center especially for gay and lesbian people and for people living with HIV and AIDS. I think it's a fantastic place. There is a sliding scale for payment, and, since I'm unemployed, that's definitely a good thing.

The reason I'm going through all this is because my parents are having a really hard time with my being gay. I mean really hard. It would be hard for anyone, don't get me wrong, but they had to know before I even told them. I mean, come on, I never played any sports in high school or college, I had a ton of girlfriends, I had many gay friends, I like disco music. It's totally obvious! I'm sure they didn't want me to be a homo. But it is what it is. The hardest part was when my father told me not to dress like a fag at a job interview I had. Come ON. Are you serious? It's not ok to use that word around me. At all. Use it around mom, use it around your friends, but not not not around me. It's utterly offensive.

My father also asked me once how I can like men. My answer was that it's a nature thing, there wasn't anything that they did to "turn" me gay. Another reason I like men is that they are much better lovers. They are a man so they know what a man wants in bed! Simple as that.

I've known I was gay since my first semester in college when I first "messed around" with another guy in my dorm. I thought I was only bisexual for a few months, but soon realized that I was definitely into men. Women were friends, men were lovers. At least that was my thought. It's probably my own fault that I didn't tell my parents and sisters until a few years after college, as it just makes it harder. They will be fine. I will seek counseling. My sisters have been just great with it. My mom said if I ever brought a boyfriend home she would be a little wary, but she will get used to it.

So now I'm ready to settle down. Really. I'm passed my slutty hook-up-at-the-bar years (yes I definitely had some of those!). As my friend, Jen, from Seattle used to say, I am an island. I could never keep a boyfriend, I'd play games and not call people back, and just disappear. That's why I don't date younger guys! All done. Too immature for me! I have my life figured out, I have a mortgage to pay, I (need) a job. I would really like a man to be part of my life throughout all this: to laugh at me, to make fun of me, to love me, and to make good love to me. I will say that I met a fabulous chocolate brown man at a bar last week, and he is everything I have ever wanted. He's adorable, beautiful, and just all together great. I told him that too. I really want to be with him, and we will see how things go. His name is Quintin Leonard. Sexy name, right?

So I guess I'm not crazy after all. Maybe just a little nutty.


La Senorita said...


Reading about how your parents are having a difficult time accepting the fact that you are gay brought tears to my eyes.

I think having someone to talk to, like a couselor, would be good for everyone. Go you!

I love your blog.

Eric Drain said...


I think it's a great idea. I wanted to talk with you soon and really gauge how you were doing, before I suggested it. This might be the best time if ever to focus only on you (whatever that means to you, job, health, finances) and let the relationship come as it may. I am here to support you in any way possible.


Emily said...

Abe - what a heart felt, honest blog from you here. I'm sorry that you have to justify who you are as a person and for how you want to live your life. You are a great person and I know you will find happiness in anything that you do.

What a great time to focus on things that are truly important to you, even if it is a time of uneasiness without being employed. Thank you for sharing just a slight portion about who the real Abe really is.

Dr Phyl said...

I love you, Abe. Even though you're crazy for disco! Talking to someone right now is a good idea. You're in a major transition & sometimes you've got to sort out the voices in your head. Normal voices, I might add!